Hey girl, adulthood calling.

I was going over my old posts… Laughing at all the funny things I’ve written, and crying in shame over the jokes that I thought would be funny but just weren’t…. And I realized something that made me feel like a major jackass. Something that made me want to hide under my blankets with large bag of peanut butter M&Ms and a body pillow to soak with my tears of self-disgust. 

You know the fried-voice kind of girl who just talks and talks and never really has anything to say? Just a bunch of words without any sort of substance or meaning? The girl who thinks that it takes mindless chatter to validate her presence wherever she goes? The girl that reminds everyone of the marvel of silence? Welp, it dawned on me. I’M THAT GIRL, YOU GUYS. I have written so many complaints about being this perfect (shit) storm that has rendered me unable to go back to school until next year… Without ever really saying much of anything about the actual issue that has caused me so many headaches (and a nervous twitch in my right eye but whatever.)

Please know, dear readers, that I feel like an idiot. And I apologize.

While I could just explain to you all the trials of my situation as a way to justify my 95-posts-a-second griping, I am instead going to dispense to you a few pieces of unsolicited advice when it comes to choosing a/paying for college. Because making mistakes does not type you as a moron… So long as you learn from them. Right? (I shudder at the cheesy grandma-ness of that statement. But whatever, right? Because it’s Friday and I just found out that my return school in spring might actually work out and I might still have a chance at a future so cheers!)

1. Do your homework. I understand the thrill of the college search. I get it. The excitement of being able to leave the little nest you call home and learn to fly (or fall? Let’s be real- some of you are idiots.) is truly unparalleled. This is a big deal. Be smart about it.  DO NOT adopt an “it’ll probably work out” attitude when it comes to tuition and financial aid. Really dig into what each school can offer you, and then make an educated decision. Don’t throw spaghetti at the wall and just hope it sticks… Because if it doesn’t, you’re left with a mess. And you best not get all pissy about having to clean it up because you’re the idiot who threw it in the first place. Do you smell what I’m stepping in? Okay, good.
2. Go to a school you know you can afford. I cannot stress this enough. Harvard may have a great underwater basket-weaving program, but god bless your soul when your student loans kick in. Fiscal accountability is a thing. Of course, you don’t want to pick a school that would make you miserable… But be a responsible adult. Money is real. Student loans are real. Debt is real. So don’t be an idiot. 
3. You are never too cool for community college. Sure, you’ll have to stick around home for a couple extra years and deal with that wretched chicken casserole dinner that mom insists on making every other night… But the tens of thousands of dollars you’ll save are going to be worth every miserable bite of under-cooked rice. (Just kidding mom. Your rice is always perfect.)
4. Know your finances. When it’s time to ship you off to adult-land…. Be aware of which scholarships are a 4-year deal, and which scholarships are on a year by year basis. (And for the year-by-year basis funds, be sure to  have a back-up. You never know when your school will decide to give your money away to someone else, or build another swimming pool for nobody to use.)

So there you have it. Four rules of thumb for some of you degree-seeking kiddos that don’t really know where to start. And even for some of you who are considering transferring, or the rest of you who are just reading because I wrote this piece of garbage. For which I thank you from the deepest parts of my alleged heart and soul.